Relationships are very complex and dynamic. Still we are able to related to each other so well and become lifetime mates whereas with some we are just not able to gel. Some say it’s because of the way one perceives them, or the conditioning or any other stuff which says that you need to change.
Having tried all of that, still there are times when something does not make one feel ‘good’. If you have been in such a situation then your sixth sense has started speaking to you.
When such conflicts arise in your mind, confrontations are the best solution. Don’t jump the gun.. Hear me out . Here we are not talking about the roadside confrontations. That’s a different topic altogether. The best thing for such situations is “avoidance”. Here we are talking about confrontations in ‘deep relationships’.
Confrontations in deep relationships are transformational! However, some feel that confrontations usually bring out the bitterness in them. It’s something they would want to avoid. It is considered as a “villain”.
To set the perspective of confrontation correct, let’s think of all the people who have confronted -Be it Subhash Chandra Bose asking for blood in return of freedom or be it the ‘Mahatma’ going on a “no violence movement’ for freedom. It was confrontation for peace, dignity and self respect.
To be specific, think of all the people who have confronted you : your siblings, your parents, your teachers, your closest friends, your partner and all those who you can think of. Think of all those whom you have confronted. They are all different people from different environment however; the only commonality in all of them is these are/were very close relationships.
Then why do we shy away from confrontation? The answer is quite simple. It’s because, when someone confronts us, we usually look at it as a direct attack on our image which we have so far safeguarded from others. The “hidden” area as some put it . We apply the fight or flight mechanics to prove ourselves right. Here the vicious circle of conflict and confrontations begin. This is when we start associating confrontation with ‘anger’. However, anger is just one component of it. The intention of confrontation is: “To be understood and to understand”.
People who confront are not scared of showing their emotions. By now they are filled with hurt, sometimes unfulfilled promises, sadness and all such emotions. Else why would they want to show their ‘worst’ side? All these feeling emanate from the same source as that of “love” i.e the heart. It gets all mixed up there hence the person is unable to pick the right one out!
Think about it, if it wasn’t for love, why anybody would take the trouble of telling you where you have faltered. They would not take the trouble of trying to make things work out between the two. I call such people ‘angels’ on earth! People who are optimistic, who want things to change and who do not shy away from sorting out what bothers them!
However, on the hind side, confrontation gets its bad name as it gets combined with aggression, aggressive behavior and physical assault. These behaviors are individual in themselves not to be mixed up with confrontation. View confrontation as an individual component. It is such an important ingredient of any deep relationship. If it weren’t for confrontation, all our relationships would be so artificial and robotic. If we do not learn to confront, we will never know to collaborate!
So, let’s redefine confrontation:
- Confront to understand and be understood,
- Confront to make the relationship work better,
- Confront out of love,
- Confront with a smile,
- Confront with a hug, a kiss,
- Confront to make things work!
So next time when something does not feel right, go ahead and confront, do not shy away. Show your hurt, your sadness your love, your feelings for the person and for the relationship. Learn to live life naturally: full of love, full of understanding, full of arguments, full of fights but without aggressive behavior. If the other person values your relationship as much as you do, they will eventually learn to ‘listen’ to your feelings rather than the mere words uttered. However, if they do not then you have to bite the bullet and reevaluate your equation with them.
You finally need to realize that some hands are worth a handshake and some are worth holding onto for a lifetime.
The Kite: Sometimes it’s important to hold on, sometimes let it loose and if it gets stuck beyond repair, let go gracefully!
Please Note: This article does not apply to ‘maids’ in India. Whatever happens, just hold on to them 🙂